I’m in the middle of a panic attack, again. I just tweeted, “Having an actual panic attack. Will a walk help? Journaling? Yelling?” and got a lot of helpful responses. My friends remind me to go outside, to walk, and to breathe. Instead of doing any of these things I go to a coffeeshop and I order a breakfast sandwich and the biggest latte they make. Before my order comes I grip the side of the table with my left hand because I feel a little like I am going to float away.
Maybe starting a funny mental health blog is a horrible idea. Will you like me better or worse once you see how crazy I really am? Maybe I am on the cusp of slipping back into a deep depression complete with episodes of dissociation and depersonalization. Maybe I need to get my medication changed or adjusted. Maybe I should listen to my wonderful therapist who tells me that she thinks I am more likely suffering from burnout and mental exhaustion rather than a depressive spell. Maybe I need to start working out again and cut back on all the caffeine. Should I go paleo? Vegan? Try hypnosis or a float tank? Maybe I should go back to bed. Or work on my dissertation. Definitely I need to work on my dissertation but this coffeeshop is playing Interpol and it is reminding me of all the ways my crazy messed up my last relationship. Probably my crazy will mess up my current relationship too.
Except, it might not. Maybe therapy really is giving me the tools I need to communicate or whatever. Maybe this panic attack will pass like all the other ones have. Maybe this blog will help.